Heartbroken

After a roller coaster of a week, our little one finally gave up the fight.  HCG levels started at 14.8, went to 27.2 3 days later, and have fallen back into the teens today.  We're completely devastated and not really sure where to go from here.  It seems so cruel to have been given such an amazing gift only to have it ripped away now.  Heartbroken doesn't even begin to describe how I feel.

Worry and Wait

Well, I am very cautiously pregnant.  I got a very faint positive pregnancy test at 9dp3dt and another slightly less faint one at 10dp3dt plus a digital.  However, my first beta on 11dp3dt came up at only 14.8 :(  I had a very tearful night on the 13th - It was my poor sister's birthday too.  Hopefully I didn't wreck it but at least it was a nice distraction for the night.  I'm obviously thrilled at being pregnant but so scared that it won't be a viable pregnancy.  I go back tomorrow for my next beta.  Praying so hard that tomorrow's is much higher and this little one starts growing strong.

2WW Dread

Well it is 8dp3dt (8 days passed 3 day transfer) today and I tested yet another BFN this morning.  I'm starting to worry that our two little embabies didn't hang on.  I've been using wondfo internet cheapy tests which make me go cross eyed to look at and have me imagining lines on everything now.  I only have 2 first response tests so I plan to use one tomorrow.  I'm so hoping that it was just the cheap tests that was the problem but now I'm worried that if I get a negative again tomorrow it'll be the real deal.  I want this so bad and this two week wait has been the worst!  Please oh please oh please let there be a second line tomorrow!  Beta is scheduled for Friday morning.

PUPO at last!

Out of my 15 eggs retrieved, 2 fertilized normally.  That was a bit of a hit for us but we had been struggling with what to do with any leftover embryos so I like to think this is God's way of taking care of that for us.  I have never been so worried in my life.  I prayed all day for those two little embryos to keep growing and just keep holding on.  Yesterday, we still had 2 little embabies - a 2 cell and a 4 cell.  Today, praise the Lord, we transferred 2 back (4 cell, 7 cell).  They were rated fair and good but I choose to believe these two embryos are fighters (how could they not be coming from our family) and will keep holding on.  I already love them.

Now I'm in the dreaded 2ww.  I have no idea how I'm going to get through it but at least the 4th of July is coming up.  I'm also going completely insane on bed rest.  I'm bored and I hate not doing things for myself when I'm able to.  Back to work tomorrow but luckily there is a break the next day for 4th of July.  So, this should be an easier week.

Eggs

Today was egg retrieval day but first I need to back up to trigger day...

My sis was a rock star!  She gave me my trigger since hubby also has needle phobia and that would have made me a crazy mess.  I was nervous the whole night and when I had to mix and draw up the HCG I saw that giant needle and freaked.  I just kept saying its too big!  But my sis gave me a countdown.  I laid on the floor with the ice pack on my upper bum while my sis watched the clock.  When the time came I begged for two more minutes because I had barely had a minute to ice.  So, the countdown began again.  Sis gave me a 15 second warning and when I tried to get more time she said nope, time's up, and jabbed me.  That was exactly what I needed because, left to my own devices, I would have kept hesitating until the night was over.  I honestly didn't feel a thing.  I was completely shocked because that needle is HUGE!  My muscle hasn't even really been sore, just a tiny bit of tightness the next day but no real pain.  I know...I'm shocked!

Nothing much really to report on for yesterday except that my vein rolled at my morning blood test and the tech had to move the needle around (inside my skin) to find it again.  It didn't really hurt much but that arm is now a nice dark purple in the crease.  It is beautiful, really.  I also freaked out all night about the upcoming IV.

Today was the big day!  Well, one of the big days.  Egg retrieval!  I woke up at 5am to a monster of a thunderstorm (hail included) so I was crazy sleepy.  Dad took me to the hospital since hubby was still waiting to hear results as to whether our frozen sperm sample from previous TESE operation survived or if he had to go get an operation this morning.  The lab failed to call us yesterday and let us know so add that to the ball of stress I already was.  The nurse who did my IV was fantastic.  She was so nice and talked to me through the whole thing to keep me distracted.  It was definitely pinchy but that was the worst part of the day.  Hubby texted my dad while we were still in the prep area that the frozen sperm survived so no operation this morning!  I was so happy for him so that was great news before I went in to the OR.  The anesthesia was great.  I was worried it wouldn't work or something but they were getting me strapped down to the table and my head got a bit fuzzy and my chest got really heavy.... Then I woke up.  When I first woke up I was trying to figure out why I fell asleep at a doctor's appointment but then I figured out where I was.  It was like the best nap ever! 

Recovery was great too.  The nurses were amazing and so sweet.  I got crackers to munch on and a drink and got to just hang out and relax.  The pain is so much less than I expected.  I've had nothing more than mild cramping so I'm very excited about that.  The hard part is remembering to take it easy since I feel fine.  We got 15 eggs which is great!  The doctor and nurses were happy about the number and I am too.  Now I'm just chilling out and anxiously waiting for the fertilization report tomorrow.  How exciting!  ET will be Monday or Wednesday.  The hard part is done with so now I'm just hoping the rest goes well and we'll get a positive test at the end of this! 

Well I finally saw my actual doctor for the morning ultrasound.  Go figure, he's there to tell me I'm triggering.  That's right.  I'm triggering tonight.  Whoa!  I can't believe it.  I'm so excited but also terrified.  Will it hurt?  That is one big needle.  Yikes!  Also, my left ovary has been a lazy bum and napping or something because the follicles on that side are still lagging behind.  Sad.  I think the count of large ones was still only like 8 or so this morning so I'm extremely nervous.  We're pretty much counting on the right side to pull the weight for ER.  My doc said they're wouldn't be a lot but hopefully we have some good quality ones in there.  Ideally, I'd like some frozen but we only need one right?  Two would be better.  Please oh please let there be some mature eggs in there Friday.

Hubby is also anxiously waiting to hear if his frozen samples survive.  They're defrosting tomorrow.  We're praying they pull through so he doesn't have to have another TESE.  They said this time they wouldn't knock him out they'd just use general anesthetic.  I guess since they know where the good samples came from last time.  Scarey!  I really hope he doesn't have to go through that.

I'm just hoping and praying that this is finally our time, that we're about to have our dreams come true and make a baby. 

Getting closer to having a clue

I feel bad about being such a spaz through this whole thing.  If we go back to Saturday, I got a sonographer that finally measured my follicles and they were all pretty much sitting right around 10.  My right side is a slow poke and had a little smaller follicles at 7 and 8 while my right had a few at 10 and 11.  She also found my missing follicles.  If they were missing at all.  I thought they were but I have learned that I know nothing.  Count on Saturday was 33 follicles with a "you have plenty" comment.  Haha!  Understatement?  My antral count was 42 so they're really not surprised.

Skip ahead to this week.  E2 jumped to 1628 yesterday with 5 follicles classified as 'large'.  I still have not a clue but I've decided not to fight the system that seems to be working for me.  Today, e2 is at 1880 with 8 'large' follicles.  I'm going to count that as a good sign since the doc told me I was almost there.  So I get my follow up call this afternoon and they are doubling my gonal f dose (to 150iu) I'm assuming as a last kick to my follicles.  Grow follicles!  Grow!  So hubby was pestering me about finding out dates since he'll also be going in for his operation the same day as ER (assuming our frozen swimmers don't survive).  So I called - also to find out when we should order my lupron since I didn't have the trigger meds yet.  Turns out I'm doing better than I thought and they're guessing trigger will be tomorrow or Thursday.  Holy cow!!!  I am extremely excited because 1. I'm starting to get uncomfortable with the 33 follicles fighting for space 2. I'm beyond tired of poking myself with needles several times a day 3. I'm so ready to get to the baby making part (I'm extremely worried, but ready).  So, I go back in again tomorrow morning to see how things are going and I'll be triggering soon with HCG instead of the originally planned Lupron.  Apparently, my e2 has been steady enough that they're not concerned triggering me with HCG.  Oh man am I scared of that needle in the bum but, if it means I get to stop injections, bring it on.