Heartbroken

After a roller coaster of a week, our little one finally gave up the fight.  HCG levels started at 14.8, went to 27.2 3 days later, and have fallen back into the teens today.  We're completely devastated and not really sure where to go from here.  It seems so cruel to have been given such an amazing gift only to have it ripped away now.  Heartbroken doesn't even begin to describe how I feel.

Worry and Wait

Well, I am very cautiously pregnant.  I got a very faint positive pregnancy test at 9dp3dt and another slightly less faint one at 10dp3dt plus a digital.  However, my first beta on 11dp3dt came up at only 14.8 :(  I had a very tearful night on the 13th - It was my poor sister's birthday too.  Hopefully I didn't wreck it but at least it was a nice distraction for the night.  I'm obviously thrilled at being pregnant but so scared that it won't be a viable pregnancy.  I go back tomorrow for my next beta.  Praying so hard that tomorrow's is much higher and this little one starts growing strong.

2WW Dread

Well it is 8dp3dt (8 days passed 3 day transfer) today and I tested yet another BFN this morning.  I'm starting to worry that our two little embabies didn't hang on.  I've been using wondfo internet cheapy tests which make me go cross eyed to look at and have me imagining lines on everything now.  I only have 2 first response tests so I plan to use one tomorrow.  I'm so hoping that it was just the cheap tests that was the problem but now I'm worried that if I get a negative again tomorrow it'll be the real deal.  I want this so bad and this two week wait has been the worst!  Please oh please oh please let there be a second line tomorrow!  Beta is scheduled for Friday morning.

PUPO at last!

Out of my 15 eggs retrieved, 2 fertilized normally.  That was a bit of a hit for us but we had been struggling with what to do with any leftover embryos so I like to think this is God's way of taking care of that for us.  I have never been so worried in my life.  I prayed all day for those two little embryos to keep growing and just keep holding on.  Yesterday, we still had 2 little embabies - a 2 cell and a 4 cell.  Today, praise the Lord, we transferred 2 back (4 cell, 7 cell).  They were rated fair and good but I choose to believe these two embryos are fighters (how could they not be coming from our family) and will keep holding on.  I already love them.

Now I'm in the dreaded 2ww.  I have no idea how I'm going to get through it but at least the 4th of July is coming up.  I'm also going completely insane on bed rest.  I'm bored and I hate not doing things for myself when I'm able to.  Back to work tomorrow but luckily there is a break the next day for 4th of July.  So, this should be an easier week.

Eggs

Today was egg retrieval day but first I need to back up to trigger day...

My sis was a rock star!  She gave me my trigger since hubby also has needle phobia and that would have made me a crazy mess.  I was nervous the whole night and when I had to mix and draw up the HCG I saw that giant needle and freaked.  I just kept saying its too big!  But my sis gave me a countdown.  I laid on the floor with the ice pack on my upper bum while my sis watched the clock.  When the time came I begged for two more minutes because I had barely had a minute to ice.  So, the countdown began again.  Sis gave me a 15 second warning and when I tried to get more time she said nope, time's up, and jabbed me.  That was exactly what I needed because, left to my own devices, I would have kept hesitating until the night was over.  I honestly didn't feel a thing.  I was completely shocked because that needle is HUGE!  My muscle hasn't even really been sore, just a tiny bit of tightness the next day but no real pain.  I know...I'm shocked!

Nothing much really to report on for yesterday except that my vein rolled at my morning blood test and the tech had to move the needle around (inside my skin) to find it again.  It didn't really hurt much but that arm is now a nice dark purple in the crease.  It is beautiful, really.  I also freaked out all night about the upcoming IV.

Today was the big day!  Well, one of the big days.  Egg retrieval!  I woke up at 5am to a monster of a thunderstorm (hail included) so I was crazy sleepy.  Dad took me to the hospital since hubby was still waiting to hear results as to whether our frozen sperm sample from previous TESE operation survived or if he had to go get an operation this morning.  The lab failed to call us yesterday and let us know so add that to the ball of stress I already was.  The nurse who did my IV was fantastic.  She was so nice and talked to me through the whole thing to keep me distracted.  It was definitely pinchy but that was the worst part of the day.  Hubby texted my dad while we were still in the prep area that the frozen sperm survived so no operation this morning!  I was so happy for him so that was great news before I went in to the OR.  The anesthesia was great.  I was worried it wouldn't work or something but they were getting me strapped down to the table and my head got a bit fuzzy and my chest got really heavy.... Then I woke up.  When I first woke up I was trying to figure out why I fell asleep at a doctor's appointment but then I figured out where I was.  It was like the best nap ever! 

Recovery was great too.  The nurses were amazing and so sweet.  I got crackers to munch on and a drink and got to just hang out and relax.  The pain is so much less than I expected.  I've had nothing more than mild cramping so I'm very excited about that.  The hard part is remembering to take it easy since I feel fine.  We got 15 eggs which is great!  The doctor and nurses were happy about the number and I am too.  Now I'm just chilling out and anxiously waiting for the fertilization report tomorrow.  How exciting!  ET will be Monday or Wednesday.  The hard part is done with so now I'm just hoping the rest goes well and we'll get a positive test at the end of this! 

Well I finally saw my actual doctor for the morning ultrasound.  Go figure, he's there to tell me I'm triggering.  That's right.  I'm triggering tonight.  Whoa!  I can't believe it.  I'm so excited but also terrified.  Will it hurt?  That is one big needle.  Yikes!  Also, my left ovary has been a lazy bum and napping or something because the follicles on that side are still lagging behind.  Sad.  I think the count of large ones was still only like 8 or so this morning so I'm extremely nervous.  We're pretty much counting on the right side to pull the weight for ER.  My doc said they're wouldn't be a lot but hopefully we have some good quality ones in there.  Ideally, I'd like some frozen but we only need one right?  Two would be better.  Please oh please let there be some mature eggs in there Friday.

Hubby is also anxiously waiting to hear if his frozen samples survive.  They're defrosting tomorrow.  We're praying they pull through so he doesn't have to have another TESE.  They said this time they wouldn't knock him out they'd just use general anesthetic.  I guess since they know where the good samples came from last time.  Scarey!  I really hope he doesn't have to go through that.

I'm just hoping and praying that this is finally our time, that we're about to have our dreams come true and make a baby. 

Getting closer to having a clue

I feel bad about being such a spaz through this whole thing.  If we go back to Saturday, I got a sonographer that finally measured my follicles and they were all pretty much sitting right around 10.  My right side is a slow poke and had a little smaller follicles at 7 and 8 while my right had a few at 10 and 11.  She also found my missing follicles.  If they were missing at all.  I thought they were but I have learned that I know nothing.  Count on Saturday was 33 follicles with a "you have plenty" comment.  Haha!  Understatement?  My antral count was 42 so they're really not surprised.

Skip ahead to this week.  E2 jumped to 1628 yesterday with 5 follicles classified as 'large'.  I still have not a clue but I've decided not to fight the system that seems to be working for me.  Today, e2 is at 1880 with 8 'large' follicles.  I'm going to count that as a good sign since the doc told me I was almost there.  So I get my follow up call this afternoon and they are doubling my gonal f dose (to 150iu) I'm assuming as a last kick to my follicles.  Grow follicles!  Grow!  So hubby was pestering me about finding out dates since he'll also be going in for his operation the same day as ER (assuming our frozen swimmers don't survive).  So I called - also to find out when we should order my lupron since I didn't have the trigger meds yet.  Turns out I'm doing better than I thought and they're guessing trigger will be tomorrow or Thursday.  Holy cow!!!  I am extremely excited because 1. I'm starting to get uncomfortable with the 33 follicles fighting for space 2. I'm beyond tired of poking myself with needles several times a day 3. I'm so ready to get to the baby making part (I'm extremely worried, but ready).  So, I go back in again tomorrow morning to see how things are going and I'll be triggering soon with HCG instead of the originally planned Lupron.  Apparently, my e2 has been steady enough that they're not concerned triggering me with HCG.  Oh man am I scared of that needle in the bum but, if it means I get to stop injections, bring it on.

In need of a clue

I wish I had a clue...  I have no idea if my progress is good or bad.  I thought I was doing well since they lowered my doses and put me on ganirelix already.  The doctor keeps telling me everything looks great but I don't know where I am expected to be at this point so, as usual, I'm worrying.  They don't give me any follicle measurements but I peeked at the screen they left up this morning and they put my count under the less than 10mm column.  Shouldn't they be bigger by now?  And if they're so small, why am I on ganirelix?  See?  I'm very confused.  My estradiol level was 433 this morning so that is at least progressing.  But, my follicle count was 27 tuesday and 17 today.  Where did the other 10 go?  They're keeping me on the same meds so something must be going right I just hate having to rely on someone else to make sure everything is right.  I'm a planner and a researcher and not being able to do either is really hard.

PS - I wish all my injections were as easy as the ganirelix.  For one, it is all mixed up and in the syringe already so I don't have to do a thing but inject.  And two, I'm so sleepy in the morning when I do it I can't even get worked up about it.  I just do it and either run out the door for an appointment or crawl back into blessed bed.

I have also never valued sleep so much.  It is now considered sleeping in when I get to wake up at my normal time for work instead of an hour early to rush to an appointment before work.  Next scan is Saturday...no rest for the weary.

Adventures in needle land

Have I mentioned that I don't like needles?  Well I really don't and IVF is wrought with needle peril.  Ok, not really peril but all the injections and blood tests are wearing me down emotionally.  I had a minor breakdown last night when I dropped my gonal f syringe which bent up the needle.  Of course it is a pre-attached needle so I couldn't just pop on a new one and ended up trashing the whole thing (meds and all).  For some reason, that made me feel defeated and I started crying.  Hubby made me laugh though so I ended up sobbing while cracking up.  I feel like I belong in the looney bin.

I've been on a lower dose of gonal f since my first blood test on Monday, 75iu gonal f, 75iu menopur.  And, they have me injecting ganirelix in the mornings now too.  This morning I was so tired I didn't even bother with icing, just jabbed it in, stuck a band-aid on, and went back to bed.  It stung a bit but I was exhausted and just couldn't care.  E2 has been 120 and 280 day 3 and 4 so we'll see where it goes tomorrow at my next appointment.  Is it baby time yet?  I'm ready

Hopefully this will be a quick update today since I'm tired and want to relax a little before going to bed and then doing it all over again.  I went in for my first blood test during stims today.  The blood tech is awesome.  I've had her twice and don't even feel the needle stick which I didn't think was possible for a blood draw.  Unfortunately, my arm has decided to bruise like crazy today even though I held pressure on it immediately afterwards.  Boo!  Now my left arm is purple and sore.  So, I guess I'll be switching back to my right tomorrow which has had blood drawn from it twice in the last week and has just now faded to a nasty yellow color.  My poor arms.  I keep joking with hubby that I look like a druggie.

My nurse is out today so I stressed all afternoon waiting for a call that didn't come to tell me my injection dosages for tonight.  I ended up calling on my way home from work.  Stress is not what I need right now but thankfully my nurse will be back in tomorrow.  My E2 level was at 120 after only 2 nights of injections so my Gonal F was lowered to 75iu.  I go in tomorrow morning for another blood test and my first ultrasound.  I'm excited to see how my follicles are progressing.  I can definitely feel something going on down there.

Injections were pretty uneventful tonight but I did slightly feel the menopur stick.  It wasn't exactly painful I just felt something where I haven't before.  I think maybe my left side is just a bit more sensitive since I've had no issues on the right side.  I'm already starting to feel a bit like a pin cushion though.  Hopefully this week will go by quickly. 

Two days of injections down!  I feel so accomplished!  I have mega huge issues with needles so doing the injections is a big deal for me.  My routine is as follows:

1. Set out all my supplies a couple hours ahead of time (gauze, medication vials, syringe, q cap, and needle for menopur, syringe with attached needle for gonal f, alcohol swabs, sharps container, and those tiny little square band-aids)
2. When it is injection time grab gonal f from the fridge, ice pack, and my ipod
3. Turn on some music to pump me up :)
4. Mix the menopur, draw it up, attach the needle, and let it sit
5. Draw up the gonal f and let it sit
6. Hold the ice pack over my injection spot for about 2 min (the ice actually burns more than the injections but that is fine with me!)
7. Swab the injection spot with alcohol and let it dry
8. Prime needle and inject gonal f
9. Prime needle and inject menopur
10. Hold gauze over injection spot while I clean up
11. Stick a tiny square band-aid on injection spots

The band-aids might not be necessary for some but I bleed a bit afterwards so sticking the bandaids on keeps me from having to hold gauze over the spot until it stops.  So far the injections have been completely painless even though I keep expecting them to sting.  I never believed anyone who told me they didn't hurt but, seriously, they don't hurt.  I actually don't even feel them.  If I can get through these, insane needle fear and all, anyone can.  I haven't even gotten the menopur burn.  The worst I've felt is the tiniest little pinch when the menopur started going in one time but, had I not been searching for some pain, I never would have even noticed it.  I'm having a little trouble getting used to two different gauge needles since the one that came with the gonal f is a 28 gauge and the needles sent for the rest of my syringes are 30 gauge.  The menopur 30 gauge goes in with no effort at all but I need to remember the 28 gauge takes a little pressure.  Both nights now I have started it then had to push a little more to get it to poke in.  I'm guessing that is why the spot where I injected the gonal f last night is a little tender today (still barely noticeable).  Must remember so I don't bruise.  I also shot some of the gonal f into the air tonight when I tried to prime the needle.  The plunger got stuck so when it finally gave it just shot out.  Luckily I hardly lost any (I checked because I'm a worrier).  I go in for a blood test tomorrow.  Hopefully everything is as expected.

Well, our nurse is awesome!  She had to work pretty hard to get us dates that worked with all the doctors and us and still be before our summer vacation but she did it!  It has been a whirlwind since then because the dates that worked for everyone meant we got started immediately.  This past week I had the mock embryo transfer, baseline blood test and ultrasound, injection class, my birthday, and had to get my meds.  It was a little crazy to say the least.  I'm actually glad everything has been happening so fast because my patience it very limited at this point.  I think the worst part of dealing with infertility is all the waiting.  It is torturous when all you want is to get things fixed so you can have a baby...now.  It is rough and I really feel for everyone having to suffer through this.

Lets break down what has happened this past week a little:

Mock Embryo Transfer and Sonohysterogram 

This is the test run for the actual embryo transfer where they put a catheter through the cervix and into the uterine cavity to measure how far to put the embryos, which catheter to use, and any twists and turns/maneuvers they may need to make.  Once they get the catheter placed correctly, they inject a saline solution and ultrasound the uterus to check for any abnormalities.  I'm not going to lie, it was a little uncomfortable, but it just felt like normal period cramps.  I didn't even take anything ahead of time to relax my muscles.  It was over and done with in maybe ten minutes.  Everything was all good and doctor said I can expect a very easy transfer.  Hooray!

Baseline Blood Test and Ultrasound

I hate needs which makes IVF even harder for me because I am dreading all the injections but I'll do whatever it takes to have a baby.  Blood tests are no fun either.  I've gotten used to them because of having so many but I still dread them just a bit.  Luckily, my baseline was so easy.  The tech did a great job and the tourniquet pinched worse than the needle.  Great birthday gift - baseline came back normal and the ultrasound showed no cysts!

Medications

I had to work this all out with our insurance because they were ordered originally from a pharmacy that doesn't accept our insurance so I transferred the prescription over to a different pharmacy.  I had told them not to require a signature at delivery since I knew we weren't going to be home all day but they messed it up.  I had to go pick up the package at the processing center since I wanted to have everything before injection class.  This mess also happened on my birthday.

Despite the mishaps, I did manage to have a good birthday

Injection Class

Very informative.  It really helped and I would definitely recommend it to all IVFers.  When I opened my meds I was completely overwhelmed.  After injection class I feel like I can actually mix everything correctly.  The challenge will be working up to actually sticking myself.  My sis came with me to learn how to do the trigger since hubby really doesn't like needles either and I can't handle someone being nervous when having to stab that humungo needle in my butt. No thanks!  So my sis is being awesome (as always) and stepping up.

Hubby took me to an amusement park to celebrate my birthday and to do something that I won't be able to do for a while if this works.  Oh I hope it works!!

I start stims tonight.  I'm on the lupron trigger protocol since I could be a high responder because of having PCOS.  I start on 112.5iu Gonal F and 75iu Menopur.  I hear the Menopur burns...yikes!  I'm so nervous!!  Wish me luck tonight!

Well, I've been on birth control now for 3 days (today is day 4) and I can safely say the side effects are no fun.  I was breaking out like crazy the first couple of days and today I have been sick to my stomach all day.  It is finally starting to ease up a bit.  I know this is probably good for me to regulate everything and hopefully give my cysts a chance to calm down but it is really no fun.  I already can't wait to be done with the birth control.  Although, I doubt stims will be much kinder to me but at least I'll feel like I am actively doing something.  We should get our official IVF calendar early next week and then it is go, go, go!

Fast Forward

It has been some time since I have posted.  We've been going through quite a struggle so I'll give the condensed version of our past few months to keep this from becoming a book.

We last left off with the catastrophic SA results...
Well, we went back in for a retest and, as expected, the results came back the same.  So, we moved on to a fertility center to help us address this new mountain we needed to climb over in our path to conception.  The fertility center has been great.  We were put right on the IVF track since with azoospermia that is our only option.  We also met with a urologist and hubby underwent a TESE operation to see if we could find any sperm to work with.  We were blessed with surprising results that we have some viable sperm in three out of the five samples taken.  We have our samples frozen right now in hopes to use them in ICSI.  The urologist will also be on-call during our egg retrieval in case the samples don't survive the defrost so we can try for fresh samples.  Since then, I have been (not so) patiently waiting for the start of a new cycle.  With PCOS, my cycles have been averaging about 90 days now which is great unless you're trying to conceive.  Throw in a couple insurance struggles and plan changes along the way and that brings us to the present.

I finally started a new cycle on day 90 (on the dot) so we are finally getting ready to start!  I'm really excited to move forward and actually be doing something but I am also scared to death.  I know I can get through this.  I have never wanted something so much in my life.  I'm not saying it will be easy (the thought of having to poke myself with a needle is something my mind just won't let me get over) but I will suck it up and march forward.  It will all be worth it to finally have our child.  Those words are so precious, now more than ever, our child.

While I'm admitting to my fears, I'm really worried this round won't work.  We've put so much effort into this IVF cycle that I'm worried it will all come crashing down.  I'm extremely optimistic, I so want this to work but in the back of my mind that voice is saying to be cautious.  Please, Lord, let this work!

So...it's a few days of cramping and crabby attitudes for me and then, on Monday, I will be starting my round of birth control to get everything set for IVF!  Hopefully, we're now in the countdown to our miracle!