In need of a clue

I wish I had a clue...  I have no idea if my progress is good or bad.  I thought I was doing well since they lowered my doses and put me on ganirelix already.  The doctor keeps telling me everything looks great but I don't know where I am expected to be at this point so, as usual, I'm worrying.  They don't give me any follicle measurements but I peeked at the screen they left up this morning and they put my count under the less than 10mm column.  Shouldn't they be bigger by now?  And if they're so small, why am I on ganirelix?  See?  I'm very confused.  My estradiol level was 433 this morning so that is at least progressing.  But, my follicle count was 27 tuesday and 17 today.  Where did the other 10 go?  They're keeping me on the same meds so something must be going right I just hate having to rely on someone else to make sure everything is right.  I'm a planner and a researcher and not being able to do either is really hard.

PS - I wish all my injections were as easy as the ganirelix.  For one, it is all mixed up and in the syringe already so I don't have to do a thing but inject.  And two, I'm so sleepy in the morning when I do it I can't even get worked up about it.  I just do it and either run out the door for an appointment or crawl back into blessed bed.

I have also never valued sleep so much.  It is now considered sleeping in when I get to wake up at my normal time for work instead of an hour early to rush to an appointment before work.  Next scan is Saturday...no rest for the weary.

Adventures in needle land

Have I mentioned that I don't like needles?  Well I really don't and IVF is wrought with needle peril.  Ok, not really peril but all the injections and blood tests are wearing me down emotionally.  I had a minor breakdown last night when I dropped my gonal f syringe which bent up the needle.  Of course it is a pre-attached needle so I couldn't just pop on a new one and ended up trashing the whole thing (meds and all).  For some reason, that made me feel defeated and I started crying.  Hubby made me laugh though so I ended up sobbing while cracking up.  I feel like I belong in the looney bin.

I've been on a lower dose of gonal f since my first blood test on Monday, 75iu gonal f, 75iu menopur.  And, they have me injecting ganirelix in the mornings now too.  This morning I was so tired I didn't even bother with icing, just jabbed it in, stuck a band-aid on, and went back to bed.  It stung a bit but I was exhausted and just couldn't care.  E2 has been 120 and 280 day 3 and 4 so we'll see where it goes tomorrow at my next appointment.  Is it baby time yet?  I'm ready

Hopefully this will be a quick update today since I'm tired and want to relax a little before going to bed and then doing it all over again.  I went in for my first blood test during stims today.  The blood tech is awesome.  I've had her twice and don't even feel the needle stick which I didn't think was possible for a blood draw.  Unfortunately, my arm has decided to bruise like crazy today even though I held pressure on it immediately afterwards.  Boo!  Now my left arm is purple and sore.  So, I guess I'll be switching back to my right tomorrow which has had blood drawn from it twice in the last week and has just now faded to a nasty yellow color.  My poor arms.  I keep joking with hubby that I look like a druggie.

My nurse is out today so I stressed all afternoon waiting for a call that didn't come to tell me my injection dosages for tonight.  I ended up calling on my way home from work.  Stress is not what I need right now but thankfully my nurse will be back in tomorrow.  My E2 level was at 120 after only 2 nights of injections so my Gonal F was lowered to 75iu.  I go in tomorrow morning for another blood test and my first ultrasound.  I'm excited to see how my follicles are progressing.  I can definitely feel something going on down there.

Injections were pretty uneventful tonight but I did slightly feel the menopur stick.  It wasn't exactly painful I just felt something where I haven't before.  I think maybe my left side is just a bit more sensitive since I've had no issues on the right side.  I'm already starting to feel a bit like a pin cushion though.  Hopefully this week will go by quickly. 

Two days of injections down!  I feel so accomplished!  I have mega huge issues with needles so doing the injections is a big deal for me.  My routine is as follows:

1. Set out all my supplies a couple hours ahead of time (gauze, medication vials, syringe, q cap, and needle for menopur, syringe with attached needle for gonal f, alcohol swabs, sharps container, and those tiny little square band-aids)
2. When it is injection time grab gonal f from the fridge, ice pack, and my ipod
3. Turn on some music to pump me up :)
4. Mix the menopur, draw it up, attach the needle, and let it sit
5. Draw up the gonal f and let it sit
6. Hold the ice pack over my injection spot for about 2 min (the ice actually burns more than the injections but that is fine with me!)
7. Swab the injection spot with alcohol and let it dry
8. Prime needle and inject gonal f
9. Prime needle and inject menopur
10. Hold gauze over injection spot while I clean up
11. Stick a tiny square band-aid on injection spots

The band-aids might not be necessary for some but I bleed a bit afterwards so sticking the bandaids on keeps me from having to hold gauze over the spot until it stops.  So far the injections have been completely painless even though I keep expecting them to sting.  I never believed anyone who told me they didn't hurt but, seriously, they don't hurt.  I actually don't even feel them.  If I can get through these, insane needle fear and all, anyone can.  I haven't even gotten the menopur burn.  The worst I've felt is the tiniest little pinch when the menopur started going in one time but, had I not been searching for some pain, I never would have even noticed it.  I'm having a little trouble getting used to two different gauge needles since the one that came with the gonal f is a 28 gauge and the needles sent for the rest of my syringes are 30 gauge.  The menopur 30 gauge goes in with no effort at all but I need to remember the 28 gauge takes a little pressure.  Both nights now I have started it then had to push a little more to get it to poke in.  I'm guessing that is why the spot where I injected the gonal f last night is a little tender today (still barely noticeable).  Must remember so I don't bruise.  I also shot some of the gonal f into the air tonight when I tried to prime the needle.  The plunger got stuck so when it finally gave it just shot out.  Luckily I hardly lost any (I checked because I'm a worrier).  I go in for a blood test tomorrow.  Hopefully everything is as expected.

Well, our nurse is awesome!  She had to work pretty hard to get us dates that worked with all the doctors and us and still be before our summer vacation but she did it!  It has been a whirlwind since then because the dates that worked for everyone meant we got started immediately.  This past week I had the mock embryo transfer, baseline blood test and ultrasound, injection class, my birthday, and had to get my meds.  It was a little crazy to say the least.  I'm actually glad everything has been happening so fast because my patience it very limited at this point.  I think the worst part of dealing with infertility is all the waiting.  It is torturous when all you want is to get things fixed so you can have a baby...now.  It is rough and I really feel for everyone having to suffer through this.

Lets break down what has happened this past week a little:

Mock Embryo Transfer and Sonohysterogram 

This is the test run for the actual embryo transfer where they put a catheter through the cervix and into the uterine cavity to measure how far to put the embryos, which catheter to use, and any twists and turns/maneuvers they may need to make.  Once they get the catheter placed correctly, they inject a saline solution and ultrasound the uterus to check for any abnormalities.  I'm not going to lie, it was a little uncomfortable, but it just felt like normal period cramps.  I didn't even take anything ahead of time to relax my muscles.  It was over and done with in maybe ten minutes.  Everything was all good and doctor said I can expect a very easy transfer.  Hooray!

Baseline Blood Test and Ultrasound

I hate needs which makes IVF even harder for me because I am dreading all the injections but I'll do whatever it takes to have a baby.  Blood tests are no fun either.  I've gotten used to them because of having so many but I still dread them just a bit.  Luckily, my baseline was so easy.  The tech did a great job and the tourniquet pinched worse than the needle.  Great birthday gift - baseline came back normal and the ultrasound showed no cysts!

Medications

I had to work this all out with our insurance because they were ordered originally from a pharmacy that doesn't accept our insurance so I transferred the prescription over to a different pharmacy.  I had told them not to require a signature at delivery since I knew we weren't going to be home all day but they messed it up.  I had to go pick up the package at the processing center since I wanted to have everything before injection class.  This mess also happened on my birthday.

Despite the mishaps, I did manage to have a good birthday

Injection Class

Very informative.  It really helped and I would definitely recommend it to all IVFers.  When I opened my meds I was completely overwhelmed.  After injection class I feel like I can actually mix everything correctly.  The challenge will be working up to actually sticking myself.  My sis came with me to learn how to do the trigger since hubby really doesn't like needles either and I can't handle someone being nervous when having to stab that humungo needle in my butt. No thanks!  So my sis is being awesome (as always) and stepping up.

Hubby took me to an amusement park to celebrate my birthday and to do something that I won't be able to do for a while if this works.  Oh I hope it works!!

I start stims tonight.  I'm on the lupron trigger protocol since I could be a high responder because of having PCOS.  I start on 112.5iu Gonal F and 75iu Menopur.  I hear the Menopur burns...yikes!  I'm so nervous!!  Wish me luck tonight!

Well, I've been on birth control now for 3 days (today is day 4) and I can safely say the side effects are no fun.  I was breaking out like crazy the first couple of days and today I have been sick to my stomach all day.  It is finally starting to ease up a bit.  I know this is probably good for me to regulate everything and hopefully give my cysts a chance to calm down but it is really no fun.  I already can't wait to be done with the birth control.  Although, I doubt stims will be much kinder to me but at least I'll feel like I am actively doing something.  We should get our official IVF calendar early next week and then it is go, go, go!

Fast Forward

It has been some time since I have posted.  We've been going through quite a struggle so I'll give the condensed version of our past few months to keep this from becoming a book.

We last left off with the catastrophic SA results...
Well, we went back in for a retest and, as expected, the results came back the same.  So, we moved on to a fertility center to help us address this new mountain we needed to climb over in our path to conception.  The fertility center has been great.  We were put right on the IVF track since with azoospermia that is our only option.  We also met with a urologist and hubby underwent a TESE operation to see if we could find any sperm to work with.  We were blessed with surprising results that we have some viable sperm in three out of the five samples taken.  We have our samples frozen right now in hopes to use them in ICSI.  The urologist will also be on-call during our egg retrieval in case the samples don't survive the defrost so we can try for fresh samples.  Since then, I have been (not so) patiently waiting for the start of a new cycle.  With PCOS, my cycles have been averaging about 90 days now which is great unless you're trying to conceive.  Throw in a couple insurance struggles and plan changes along the way and that brings us to the present.

I finally started a new cycle on day 90 (on the dot) so we are finally getting ready to start!  I'm really excited to move forward and actually be doing something but I am also scared to death.  I know I can get through this.  I have never wanted something so much in my life.  I'm not saying it will be easy (the thought of having to poke myself with a needle is something my mind just won't let me get over) but I will suck it up and march forward.  It will all be worth it to finally have our child.  Those words are so precious, now more than ever, our child.

While I'm admitting to my fears, I'm really worried this round won't work.  We've put so much effort into this IVF cycle that I'm worried it will all come crashing down.  I'm extremely optimistic, I so want this to work but in the back of my mind that voice is saying to be cautious.  Please, Lord, let this work!

So...it's a few days of cramping and crabby attitudes for me and then, on Monday, I will be starting my round of birth control to get everything set for IVF!  Hopefully, we're now in the countdown to our miracle!